I'm No Jillian...

I have a love/hate relationship with Jillian Michaels. If you have ever done one of her workouts you probably know what I mean. Her workouts are awesome, but often so intense I find myself yelling at the TV screen. If you don't know who she is, she is probably best known for being one of the coaches on the hit TV show The Biggest Loser. She is both a fitness and nutrition guru.

I'm no Jillian, but I'm about to venture into some of her territory. While you have been accustomed to reading about the possibly mundane aspects of my life ranging from slightly comical to a bit serious and downright sappy, I'm now going to add in some nutrition and exercise topics as well.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a tad nervous about this because those topics can tend to be delicate topics. Depending on your crowd you don't ever want to come off sounding judgmental, critical, condescending, arrogant, etc.

I'm also worried about people judging my qualifications due to me being an amateur of sorts. Why would anyone want to read what I have to say? I'm not a nutritionist or a physical trainer. I haven't had any formal training in either field. I don't have six-pack abs or biceps to write home about.The longest race I've done is a 5K. I make my family mac'n cheese once a week. I don't like brussel sprouts....wait....does anyone like brussel sprouts...and is that even related? I digress.

So you many wonder, why would I write about health and wellness and why should you read it?

Why am I Writing About Health and Wellness?
First of all, staying fit and active has always been something important to me. I'm a different (and better) person when I exercise consistently and eat healthy. If you aren't currently exercising and eating relatively healthy I'm fairly confident I'm not the first person to encourage you to do so. My hope is that by writing about it, I may encourage someone to take that first step. I'm well aware that I won't be giving any advice to prep any of you for a marathon, or start a crazy diet that I know nothing about. I'm just here to encourage.

Also, as many of you know, I work for a health and wellness company (www.SZwraps.com), so I firmly believe I should "practice what I preach" as well. How can I explain to customers that our products are a great complement (not a replacement) for a healthy diet and exercise when I don't do it myself?

Why Should You Read What This Amateur Says?
I'm your Average Jane kind of person. I'm a 40 year-old wife and mom of two kids. I love food. I have a busy schedule. Life gets in the way of exercise. I love food. We don't have lots of money to spend on a gym membership. That lack of funds also directly relates to the amount of healthy food that gets thrown in the cart. I still love food. I love food. Yes, I just said that twice in a row....because I LOVE it.

Can any of you relate to that previous paragraph? I think many of you do, and it is for you that I will write these posts. It is for you that I will encourage YOU to get up and take that first step, to write that first goal. If you are looking for serious advice from a professional dietitian, nutritionist or physical trainer, you will NOT want to read this. If you are an Average Jane kind of mom like me that wants to get started putting one foot in front of the other, my periodic posts on this topic might interest you.

Well, this should be an interesting new venture in this blogging adventure of mine. I'm curious myself what I'll churn out. Remember...

Simply put...I'm no Jillian.

A Priceless Story

I love old things. I do. Some people look at it as junk, but I look at it as a story waiting to be told.

I find it so utterly fascinating that every old object, picture, letter, etc. has a story. Even if I have no personal connection to it, I still would love to know the backstory to it. The people, the places, the events that unfolded...I want to hear it all. When it does have a personal connection to me, then I'm really enthralled.

Last month we moved my parents out of their home they've lived in for the past 36 years. During the downsizing process my parents often asked one of us,"Does anyone want this?" Many times my first response was,"Did this come from someone in the family?" If so, my interest in that object instantly increased at least ten-fold not only because it was something old, but it was owned by someone in my family. Those objects were part of my history...from people that helped shape and mold generations before, and in turn, me in a way. There are two objects now in my possession that I absolutely love. 

The date on this appears to be June 7, 1925. 

The first one was my Grandpa Meyer's trunk. My Grandpa, Henry Meyer, was born in 1907. This trunk was used to ship all his things to college at then Dr. Martin Luther College in New Ulm, MN. I love this trunk because not only does it look cool, but it amazes me that he sent all his belongings in a trunk. Nowadays people load up Uhaul trucks to move into college dorms. Now that I live in New Ulm, it is like the trunk is "back home" in a way. 

This wasn't one of the two objects I was thinking about, but had to throw in this beauty while discussing packing for college. My dad also went to school in New Ulm during the 60s. Like some other students, he didn't have a place to get his laundry done, so he sent his laundry back home to get cleaned. Yes, he used this little suitcase to mail his dirty laundry home. We all wondered what he wore while he was waiting for it to come back. :)


The other treasured possession switches to my mom's side of the family, and it is my Grandma Scharf's charm bracelet. I have never thought of myself as a charm bracelet kind of person, but I very much wanted a piece from a woman that I so greatly admired. My Grandma, Irene Scharf, was a quiet, but very strong, devoted Christian woman. Her bracelet shows many aspects of her...all the love and care that she showed to those she loved whether it was at home or at work.

Engraved on the back of  the mustard seed charm, "If ye have faith as a mustard seed...
nothing shall be impossible unto you." Matthew 17:20

There is no possible way for me to sum up in this blog the stories that I remember from my grandparents, or the ones that I'd love to know. I regret the times when I was younger that I didn't take time to listen longer or ask them more questions. While there will be stories left untold, I am confident in one thing that has been carried from generation to generation on both sides of my family...their love of our Savior and what He has done for us. Their foundation was their faith, and that is why I love that one of the charms on my Grandma's charm bracelet is a mustard seed. What my great-grandparents instilled in my grandparents was passed on to my parents, then to me. Out of all the stories I've been told, this is what I hold on to most dearly, and am making sure my children will hold dear to their hearts as well.

Possibly my favorite wedding present we received was a scrapbook my sisters made. It had messages, marriage advice and funny stories about marriage they had compiled from our friends and family. My Aunt Marie, who knows my love of family history added in wedding pictures from former generations. I love that present and will treasure it forever. When I was looking for pictures for this blog I reread what she had written to us. I thought it was so fitting I had to include it here.

What story are you passing on to those you know and love? While a cool trunk or charm bracelet are awesome heirlooms to hold onto now, nothing compares to the precious story we carry in hearts and the comfort of knowing that we will all be reunited someday in heaven. No antique dealer would ever be able to put a price on that.

Simply put...you can't put a price tag on some things.



P.S. I added a few wedding pictures for any family reading that were interested. I can share more if you'd like...just let me know! They go back several generations...

Fits Me to a T

You've heard the commercial..."The touch, the feel of cotton. The fabric of our lives." Apparently that applies to me because I think I might have a problem. I have a bit of an obsession with t-shirts. Let me explain how I came to this realization. 

In the next few weeks I'll be joining forces with my 4 siblings to help my parents move out of the home they have lived in for the past 36 years. We are prepared to take up the challenge of weeding through and then packing up 36 years worth of memories. Currently the task seems a bit daunting, so we thought we'd put a fun name to the big move. 

The name we came up with is: OPERATION GREEN DRIVEWAY (OGD). (As I mentioned in a previous post, the original color of our driveway was green. Yup, it was green. We were known as the house with the green driveway.) That being said, I mentioned that we should get t-shirts made to commemorate OGD. My younger sister replied, "That is tempting, but do I need another shirt? Hmmm."

That was such a silly question to me. Seriously, can one person ever have too many t-shirts? It is like when our younger daughter said things like, "This mac'n cheese is too cheesy." WHAT!?!? Or the time she said that the dessert was, "Too chocolaty." Once again....WHAT!?!? In my book things can't have too much cheese, too much chocolate, and one certainly can't have too many t-shirts. As I further reflected on this I realized that in a way my life could be told through shirts. Seeing as I turn 40 on Monday I thought it would be fun (for me at least) to see my life in shirts.

                               

This t-shirt blanket pretty much sums up my high school, college and tutoring years. My mother-in-law was a master quilter, and it brought her such great joy to make quilts for others. I'm afraid I insulted her gifts as a quilter when I asked her to make me a t-shirt quilt, but she never let on if it did. I love the blanket and love that she made it for me. Browse through these and you'll see volleyball uniforms, COS and intramural shirts and remnants from fantastic trips.

After I left MLS I took a call to Martin Luther College. I bet you couldn't guess that by the amount of MLC shirts I have. If I had included sweatshirts that would have been another whole picture. For a few years my sister-in-law thought the only colors I wore were black and red.

Fast forward a few years and I was asked to become a member of the MLC Alumni Association. I'm on the Events Committee and am in charge of planning the Sprinter Campus Fun Run every year. Lo and behold, that brings on more shirts. This girl doesn't complain.

I never was a huge fan of running, but a few years ago I picked it up. I'd like to say I started doing 5K races because it challenges me and it helps keep me in shape, but in all reality it could be because I always get another shirt. 

After MLC I went to River Bend, and then now for the past 3 years I've been working at New Ulm Public High School. I think it was good to add a splash of purple, don't you think?

Around the same time purple was introduced into my wardrobe I joined It Works which has resulted in another whole color theme around our house. Black, green and bling are everywhere as my girls like to point out every time they see anything black or green. 

If I ever had another blanket made for me, these miscellaneous ones would definitely be included. Some represent fabulous memories with the Scharf clan up north, one is from a job I loved, another is from an amazing trip and some represent Jesse. They are all a part of me, and things that I love to keep around.

I realize this blog was a whole lot of fluff and not much substance, but it was fun to sit back and reflect. It also is truly representative of me and my style. There may be an occasion or two when I enjoy getting dressed up, but in general I'm a casual t-shirt kind of gal through and through. It also got me thinking....wonder what my t-shirt collection will look like in the next 40 years...hhmm. You'll have to check back in 2056 to find out. 

Simply put....got shirts?

P.S. The OGD shirts aren't being made....any ideas on what else we could brand?

You Should See It In Color

A few weeks ago I was at my parents' house helping them go through some things. One project I tackled was organizing all the family photos that had never been put into an album. There were hundreds of loose photos to divide amongst my parents and their five children, and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. I've always loved looking through pictures, so getting to see some pretty hilarious (and embarrassing) pictures from our earlier years was a true treat for me.

I was flying through them, often literally LOL (did I just say that!?) when this picture stopped me dead in my tracks. This picture "said" several different things to me, and my mind started running in multiple tangents. Most of those thoughts had me reflecting on how I am as a mother.

 For those of you that don't know my family, I have an older sister and brother. I am the third (and middle) child, and then I have a younger brother and sister which are both pictured with me here. I can honestly say even after seeing this picture I don't recall this happening. But, by the obvious looks on our faces we were having a great time...we were in pure kid heaven. Who wouldn't love to make a huge mess like that!?!? I'm 39 and that still looks kinda fun to me.

The initial reaction of mine was something along the lines of, "That looks so fun....we were having a blast....wonder who started it, etc." Yet not even a second later my mind quickly went to some different thoughts like....

"Oh my word, I wonder if Mom and Dad were really upset."
"We really made a mess."

I quickly realized those thoughts weren't reflecting on my parents, but rather on me and how I am as a parent. I realized it wasn't necessarily a good thing. Allow me to explain.

I'm too uptight.
There...I said it. I would not consider myself to be an uptight person usually, but this was a slap in my face that when it comes to situations like this, I am. I quickly reverted from my 5th grade (?) self having a blast with my siblings in the picture to picturing myself today. What if that was a picture of my girls in our house making a mess everywhere? I found it sad to say that I think I would have been upset with them. And why? I hate to say but it would be for some pretty selfish reasons.

Of all the things in my life, parenting and being a wife are probably what I have been most critical of myself about. It is hard in a day and age where people are quick to compare and judge each other. I have incredibly supportive friends that don't judge, but the sinful world has me comparing things and makes me feel like I have fallen short. I have no idea where that came from because I never once would describe my mom in that way. Granted she probably felt a million things over the years that she never told us or portrayed to us.

That being said, here is where it all comes full circle, leaving me with the choice to not let my girls play with white packaging popcorn in my kitchen...

I work full time. I have a direct sales business that I'm working hard at as well. Due to my schedule, and the want to have quality family time, my house is not always clean. It isn't picked up at all. It currently would rate more on "disaster" level. My life feels chaotic much of the time. So, when a situation like my girls playing with packaging popcorn comes into play, I inwardly go slightly berserk. Why would I want to add a mess to a mess!?!? Makes sense, right? Quite possibly, but look what never got to happen....

...My girls having a moment of INEXPLICABLE JOY because I was stressing about cleaning up a mess in an already messy house. 

I have realized this has carried over to other things I've said/did because it would create work on work, a mess on a mess, judgment on judgment...all leading to a downward spiral of me sliding further down the ranking of "Average Mom/Wife of the Year."

"Don't play in the mud!" (What if it gets into the house?)
"Don't get all sweaty running around!" (I was hoping to not do a bath EVERY night this week!)
"Those shoes/socks/hair ties don't go with that outfit." (What will the other moms think? *gasp*)

These may be poor examples, but I think you get the point. Don't get me wrong. I am NOT saying I think my girls should do whatever they want whenever they want and I should let my house get into further disarray for no reason. The point I was getting at was I think at times I've held my kids back from some true joys in life because how it indirectly (or directly) affected me.

Seriously....what kid doesn't remember running through mud or a rain puddle just because it was SO fun!?!? The fact that they are running around and getting dirty and sweaty at night means they are having FUN and they aren't wanting to be glued to a TV. They want to dress themselves and express their personality in a fun way? Go for it! My friends certainly must realize I didn't just walk off the pages of Vogue either. In reality polka dots with stripes or clashing pinks shouldn't throw me for such a tizzy.

I have lots of awesome memories from growing up. The smiles on this picture are pretty indicative of our upbringing. Was it all peaches and cream and packaging popcorn fights? No, but in general we were happy kids that were allowed to be kids while being held to certain rules and expectations.

When was the last time you climbed a tree?  Go for it!

My theme for the year has been "Grateful In All Things." Jesse and I have been blessed with two incredibly rambunctious, inquisitive, full of life, smart, energetic and sometimes downright impossible girls. I'm so very grateful they are healthy. I'm grateful that 95% of the time they love each other and play well together. I want them to be able to just be a kid while they are kids. I want them to look back at these years and think, "We had fun. There were rules and expectations, but we had fun. Our mom loved life and didn't get her panties in a bundle over the little things."

I know I need to relax. I know I have to find the balance between times when I need to draw the line and times when I need to just let the girls be girls. They won't be ages 5 and 7 forever. I realize some of the decisions I've made have prematurely aged them. No more...I don't need the teen years getting here any sooner.  ;)

Simply put....How fun it would be to be a kid again.

Fly a Kite

Pick Dandelions

Run Through Puddles

Laugh a Lot

Have Tea Parties

Play at the Park Forever

Climb a Tree

Play Dress-Up

Eat Cookie Dough

Play in the Mud

Have Camp Outs

Take Naps

Run Barefoot
Imagine Anything

Other random pics...

Because pure joy as a child was time with our cousins.

What kid (or adult) hasn't licked the cookie batter?!?!
Raw eggs or not....delicious!

Genuine

Last Friday I got to meet the top income earner in It Works, Kami Dempsey, and I just wanted to hug her. Seriously. Granted, I'm a hugger by nature, but even with that fact out there allow me to explain before you think I'm some maniac.

Our team leaders, Liz and John Enter, had asked Kami if she would be willing to come to a One Team One Mission Wrap Party in Mankato, Minnesota. She graciously agreed to come, and that fact alone would have been amazing enough. 

What made it even more special was the fact that Kami offered to spend the afternoon with just our team, and what a special three hours that was for us! She listened, inspired, encouraged, gave advice and so much more. At the end of the afternoon is when I found myself thinking, "I want to hug her, but I can't even explain why." After two days of mulling this over I figured it out. 

Actually, the credit really goes to my husband Jesse. When we finally had a chance to sit down and talk about Friday and what I took away from it I was having a hard time putting it into words. While I was able to describe why she is a great leader, I couldn't quite find the words to say why the whole experience was so amazing. He nailed it on the head when he said, "Besides being a great leader, she is genuine and humble." That statement couldn't be more true. Being genuine and humble are different characteristics, yet at the same time they are closely related. 

When you are the top income earner in a company you probably have the right to strut your stuff a little bit. I mean, you are at the top, right? You are the head honcho. Snap and people should come running. It just makes sense. For this leader, though, it was just the opposite. For the nine hours she was around us she gave her all to help us.

Kami is kind of like the girl next door. You instantly make this connection with her and you feel like you have known her forever. What a great characteristic of a leader...someone you can truly connect with and someone that takes the time to listen to you and give you solid advice. As our evening session got underway she pulled me aside and asked if I would take a picture of Liz and John getting the presentation started. After I took that picture I turned to her and asked her if I could take a selfie with her even though there was a time for photos later. She graciously said yes. We took the picture, and right afterward she turned to me and said, "Oh my word, I'm sorry. I have such horrible coffee breath." I just about died and wanted to give her a high five. Why? Because at that moment it solidified to me she is real. 

This woman "gets us." She knows where we are coming from, the struggles we have and where we are trying to go. Kami was a former teacher and coach that had the goal to stay at home with her kids. She had the goal to help her husband make ends meet. This leader is listening, giving advice from the heart and truly wanting the best for each and every one of us. 

It wasn't just the coffee breath statement that lead me to this conclusion, but everything else that was said during the course of the day. It was just her funny statement that brought it all together. At that moment I wanted to ask her if I had spinach in my teeth, but instead I offered her some gum. 

And humble...wow. She makes six figures a month. Yes, a month!! One would never guess it. She gives all thanks and glory to God. Her faith is evident to all around her, but not in an "in your face" or showy kind of way. 

During the Q & A session there were multiple times when she would say, "Personally this is how I would handle the situation, but you should really ask your sponsor/upline. Their philosophy might be a little different." That stood out to me a lot as well, because once again she could have taken the stand that because she is at the top her way is the best way. Yet, she didn't. A humble leader...truly wanting the best for everyone.

I don't want you as the reader to think I'm writing this as an obsessed Kami Dempsey fan. If you have, then the point of this blog has been lost. I wrote this to talk about leadership in its truest form. Kami is not the first leader I've known like this, but it just struck a chord with me so I wanted to share. You can have every leadership characteristic out there (hard worker, determined individual, knowledgeable, courageous, dependable, etc.), but at the end of the day your team or whomever you lead wants to know that you care about them. That you are with them day in and day out for their successes and their struggles. You are there to help them because you WANT to help them, not just because in the end it helps you. 

The CEO of It Works is Kami's father. She talked about how she worked hard for what she has, that it wasn't just handed to her on a silver platter. I have never met our CEO (Kami's father), but I've heard him talk on multiple phone calls, presentations, videos, It is obvious Kami is a case of  "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Being able to meet Kami, spend time with our team and other It Works teams just solidified the fact that I chose the right company for me. They are passionate about helping others with their health and wellness, and they are passionate about helping each other grow. Days like that prove the point that this company is not a pyramid scheme. We are truly better together, no matter where we are in the company. I LOVE that, and I love our leaders.

Simply put...be genuine.

"People don't care how much you know 

until they know how much you care."

- Theodore Roosevelt - 

The Soundtrack of Life

A few weekends ago I experienced a time warp of sorts. It was crazy.

I took my first solo road trip since we've had kids. It was wonderful for many reasons, primarily the fact that I got to my destination in record time due to not having to make frequent bathroom stops for our girls. I traveled a lot with a previous job, so I loved the feeling again of hitting the open road on my own.

Unbeknownst to me, an extra benefit was listening to music that I literally haven't listened to in YEARS. I took along a CD case filled with music I've had since high school and college, some I had bought and some were made by me or for me. After we got married I hardly listened to them because Jesse and I don't exactly have the same musical taste, and I've almost never played them around my girls.

The result? My answer would be: PURE JOY!! There are so many songs I had forgotten about as the years have gone by that when I did hear it again I found myself proclaiming, "Oh my GOODNESS! I LOVE this song!" I proceeded to sing out loud and dance (as best you can in a car) for 6 straight hours Sunday during my return trip. Don't get me wrong, I am well aware how totally idiotic I looked, but I simply just didn't care. My throat was literally sore by the time I got home.

Just a small sampling,,,

The thing that amazed me the most was the fact that it literally sent me into a virtual time warp. No longer was I a wife and mom of two, but certain songs sent me reeling back to whatever time that song reminded me of and I had a rush of emotions, senses, etc., that come with special memories in life. For 6 hours I wasn't a 39 year-old. Allow me to explain with a few songs, musical groups and genres.



I Think We're Alone Now by Tiffany
This was by far the earliest musical memory that popped up. This shot me back to sometime in grade school. It was New Year's Day, and we had our traditional family gathering at my cousin's house. The men watched football all day and we ate A LOT of food. That year my cousin Angie and I were listening to the Top 100 hits of the year. This song came on and Angie and I sang it while making up our own actions to go with the song.

Commence the time warp....It just conjured up a million memories, sounds, and LOVE that encompassed that special Scharf home.

Just Another Manic Monday by the Bangles
This initial time warp sent me back to my high school days playing basketball. One of my friends, Beth (Loftin) Kolb was our basketball manager, and we happened to always sit together on the bus rides to and from games. We would listen to music on the way. This is a song we would listen to for a reason I would rather not say, but it conjured up memories of having to get on a freezing cold bus at night after games....the cold bus seats...trying to find part of your sack lunch left because you were starving after the game...trying to catch a quick nap on the way back but bus seats are not comfortable...you get my drift.

Commence the time warp....I felt I was actually on that bus. It was crazy.

Counting Crows
If you have never been to Summerfest (the world's Largest Music Festival) in Milwaukee, you have to check it out. Sometime after college a bunch of us went to a Counting Crows concert during Summerfest. I listened to a bunch of their songs and...

Commence the time warp...I felt like it was a summer night and I had a Miller Lite in my hand and a smile on my face. Good times with friends are the best.

Counting Crows Concert

Dancing Queen by ABBA
Anyone who knew me during my college years knows this memory.

Commence time warp...The sights and sounds of the Gasthaus in Watertown, WI and whispered promises of, "What happens at the Gasthaus stays at the Gasthaus." Whatever...lesson learned.

Sappy Love Songs
I hate to go here, but I have to because it is/was real. This whole "genre" speaks to the boyfriends past. Ugh. What a dichotomy of feelings...you remember the great times, but what finally socks you in the gut like a rock was that feeling when those good times ended, for whatever reason it may have been. There were probably three breakups that rocked me to the core and were so painful to me.

Commence time warp...I was enveloped with brief flashes of amazing dates, sweet things said...followed shortly after by crushing heartache.

Country Music
I swore up and down that I would NEVER EVER like country music. But, then I went and met someone from Texas, fell in love with and married him and that was the end of that promise. Country music embodies our months dating and the beginning of our life together.

Commence time warp...A wistful smile crept across my face as I was remembering the piece and quiet of sitting on his pier, watching him fish, drinking a beer and remembering the scrumptious taste of eating a torta (a small piece of heaven) while we talked about our future plans.

At Jesse's property on his pier...we loved that place.

There are several others that I could share, but this blog would get ridiculously long, so I'll just end with one final song.

This is the Time of Your Life by Little Steven
This is the time of your life...
You better face it, don't waste it...
Don't think about the future, don't think about the past
There's just this moment, better make it last...
This is the time of your life.

I realized everything I reminisced about on the trip were things that really made me a part of who I am. Part of me missed a lot of those memories, And just like that I was reminded of how great my current soundtrack is as well.

No lie, just as I was relishing reliving my life in songs and not wanting my time warp to end, as I drove across the tracks into New Ulm this song came on. Gone were thoughts of leg warmers and bad hair, long ago family memories and heart aches, athletic endeavors and wedding dances. What songs 10 or 20 years from now will remind me of when I was 39?

None. As I walked through the door into our home my current soundtrack took over. My soundtrack is now filled not with songs, but with laughs, shrieks, cries, some bickering, books being read, "I love you" statements, requests for hugs, squeals of joy...and the list could go on and on. As the girls (and we) age, this soundtrack may have similar songs, but just tuned in a slightly different way. I will relish those times as well and thank God for every single minute of it; past, present and future.

Simply put...one couldn't write a better soundtrack.

How I was welcomed home...love it!

My "Silent" Battle

There is that phrase...

"Be kind, everyone is fighting a battle you don't know about."

What is your battle? Here is my battle: I STUTTER.

This might be news to some of you, but there is a reason behind that statement and why I'm choosing to share it publicly. Not too long ago I read a blog a friend of mine wrote (look for a shout out at the end) titled, "Don't Let it Define You, Or Do?" Her blog answered that question in regards to her depression, but when I read the blog it really hit home to me in relation to me and my lifelong struggle with stuttering. Many of you know my "battle," but I have never discussed this publicly with many of you I've met in the recent years. I'm sure lots of you have guessed, seeing as I've had some rough spots lately. That being said, it is a huge part of me, but it isn't ME. This entry is a long one because those of you that don't know this about me (or even if you do) I thought some background would help. It helps explain why stuttering is a huge part of me, but it isn't alone who I am. Once I started my journey of explaining this to you, I couldn't stop. This is NOT a pity-party for Sarah. This is meant to explain me to you, and it is my emotional therapy. 

My Stutter...

There are different ways that people stutter. I predominantly struggle with initial sounds in words, which more than often leads to a "block." The block to me was the worst, because it leaves me with the most ridiculous look because no sound comes out and I stand there with my mouth open struggling to regain some normal look about me. I start slowly rocking to get the sound out. It is such a helpless feeling in so many ways. 

The Beginning...

My mom once told me I didn't always stutter, but stuttering is the only memory I have of my speech. Therapists think I was trying to "catch up" in speech with my older brother and sister, and this brought it on. It doesn't really matter how or why it started, but it did, and it changed my life more than most know.

Grade school was a nightmare for me. It is safe to say I hated grade school. I was teased a lot as a kid for multiple reasons, but front and center was my stutter. The other kids continually mocked my stutter and laughed and ridiculed me any chance they could get. My dad was the principal, so they were never dumb enough to do it in front of a teacher. But, the nightmare was there all the same. 

Horrible moments...

1) Playing Around the World with math facts. Even though I knew every single one, when it came to an answer that was hard for me to say, I'd feign ignorance. 

2) When we would read aloud and everyone read one sentence at a time...that was HORRIBLE!! I would count ahead of me to see what sentence I would have. If it started with a hard sound for me I would start freaking out and almost hyperventilate. I once again would feign ignorance until teachers talked to my parents and said I wasn't "on task" at school. That couldn't have been further from the truth. 

     

Speech Therapy

The day my mom told me I would be going to speech therapy is a moment forever embedded in my mind. I was helping her with the dishes, and when she told me I remember crying and being so upset I had to go. Little did I know, that was a decision that I am SO grateful to them for making. I'm sure we didn't have the money for it, but they knew it was important, so off to therapy I went.

It was at Marquette University in Milwaukee. I don't remember exactly what grade I started, but I know I went for a few years. They taught me a lot, and put me into the most dreadful situations to help me learn and apply what they taught me. I distinctly remember walking into a Walgreens with my teacher and asking the employees for items on a list. The list had been made ahead of time, and I remember gum was one thing on the list. The "G" sound is a hard one for me. It sounds cruel, but it helped me a lot.

One memory that sticks with me....the one year my dad was the one that drove me to therapy. Since he knew that I didn't like going he tried to make it special for me. I remember he hid a bag of Tato Skins in the car, and that was our "special treat" for our trips to therapy. My other siblings weren't suppose to know about it. Looking back at that time I realize my dad probably just wanted a treat as well, but at the time I was so proud I could share that with my dad.

When I "graduated" from therapy our family celebrated by going out to eat. Our family hardly ever got that treat, so I remember thinking how special that time was and how much graduating meant to me.

The Middle Years

Graduating from grade school was a huge boost from me. No one from my grade school went to the high school I went to, so I got to meet a whole new bunch of people. There were only two times in high school I was teased. One time a classmate said, "You should really learn how to talk normal." The other time my older brother's best friend (and he was like a brother to me), ripped on my during a conversation. If you know my older brother he is a man of few words, so when he sternly said, "Don't ever do that to her again," I wanted to burst with pride and love for him. 

Yet those two times were like a slap in my face. While I still continued to silently struggle and deal with it, taking all the teasing away helped immensely.  College was the same....much better.

The Adult Years

Growing up hasn't made my stutter go away. Still when I'm tired, when I'm excited, when I'm someplace loud or stressed I still revert back. The struggle continues, but here is how I cope.

1) Naming our children...Several names were ruled out because I knew it would be a struggle for me. Here was the test: I would picture myself calling to make an appointment for my child. When they would ask what their name is, if I struggled to say it I ruled out that name. Jesse doesn't know this, but when I was alone before either girl was born I would reenact this scenario with Ziva and Siri's names...saying it when I was tired, in a hurry, stressed, etc.

To this date there has only been one time someone asked me Siri's name and I couldn't say it.

2) In a restaurant I won't order something I can't say. If I do I point to the item in the menu and let the waitress initiate the description of the item.

3) Phone calls are really bad for me, especially if I don't know the person. Cold calling now for my It Works business is tough. The word "Hello" is insanely hard for me. My older sister once started a phone call for me with a guy who had asked me out. After she initiated the conversation she handed the phone to me. My sister is a rock star, especially because she never made me feel like less than a person because of it. 

4) Telling jokes is only done when I know that the word that the punchline starts with is a sound I can say. If not, the joke is never told. 

The dreaded (for me) IDO intercom. 

5) The IDO intercom was another nightmare. Anyone from MLS knows what I'm talking about. For those that don't I've supplied a picture. When I taught at MLS in Michigan I lived in a dorm with the students. The dorm office was the central hub of activity. We would have times "on duty" in the office. Parents would call for their children and we would page them down to the office for a phone call, or we would page them if someone was in the lobby to see them. This intercom was the death of me in the beginning. For those of you that remember Tutor Oblinger, I have utmost respect and love for her for making several pages for me because I physically couldn't. It sent me into a panic. One time I sat holding the button for at least two minutes before I gave up and dropped the call. I physically could NOT say the students name. With time I grew accustomed to it, and after 5 years I rocked it.

6) Singing helps people that stutter. You may not realize it, but if I start by singing something in my head I can say it.

7) Rephrasing words into something I can say is a tool I use ALL THE TIME. I just did it multiple times at work yesterday. I got stuck in a conversation that had a lot of hard words. To escape looking like an idiot I rephrased.

8) Admit I stutter...When all else fails I admit I have a stutter and I just can't say it. It just happened last month at an It Works Christmas party. I was telling a teammate and her husband a story, and I got super stuck on a word. I tried everything to no avail, so I finally admitted I had a stutter. Ironically "stutter" is a word I don't struggle with at all. 

The Supporters and Those That, Well.....Didn't

Those that Didn't....

Since grade school I can count on my fingers the times I've been teased. But, I think since it happened in my adult years it hurt worse. The most painful time was when a supervisor in a previous job said during a job review, "Now about your speech....It just sounds so unprofessional when you stutter. Is there any way that you can just stop?" SERIOUSLY!?!?!?! Did you just say that to me!?!? I can't even begin to explain how irate that made me. Unreal.

Then there are those that still tend to stutter back as a joke not knowing how painfully real it is to me. Or when I get the "blocked face" and they make it back at me. I know you want to fill in my words for me, but when you do that I feel tiny, little, and slow.

My Fantastic Supporters

1) My family: I'm not even sure if my family knows how much I love them and all they have done for me, whether they realize they have done anything or not. 

2) Jesse: He loves me through it all. I always think the most of him because he wasn't there through it all during the early years. From the moment we started dating until now he has been patient through any "block" I've ever had. I know he has seen me struggle to say something, but he never once impatiently filled in my words or corrected me He is a rock.

3) Co-workers: There are co-workers that have known my struggle and helped me through it. Your kindness is so appreciated.

4) Friends: Your support, love, and understanding has meant the world to me as well. 

What I Have Learned

1) In the end, your true friends and family love YOU.

2) Even though my stutter is on my mind multiple times a day, and I know you don't often hear it, I have learned that people see Sarah...they see me....the chit chat, the enthusiast, the wife, the mother, the reader, the educator, the crazy wrap girl, the one who loves a good laugh, the coffee and chocolate lover, the one who loves fall, the one who loves teaching others, the one who loves to help, etc. They DON'T see a STUTTERER. 

3) That even with a stutter I can teach a classroom of students, that I can give a speech at a women's retreat in front of at least 300 women. I CAN do these things.

4) I'm STRONGER and more RESILIENT than I had previously seen myself to be.

5) It has taught me EMPATHY.

I have often wondered how my life would have been different if I never struggled with stuttering. But, analyzing that has never resolved the situation or made it better. In the end I continue to strive to thank God for all I have, my health, and so much more. I'm blessed beyond measure....whether I stutter or not. 

Simply put....I am me.

P.S. The blog I made reference to in the beginning is called Healing my Mind by Ruth Roehr. You should really check it out! Healing My Mind